Shoplifting
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a supermarket. She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.” The judge asked how many peach pieces were in the can. She replied in…
Alle Oop
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes…
Baseball in Heaven
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?” “Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good…
Engine Trouble
An airliner en-route to Washington DC was having engine trouble. “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Pour some hot water around the edges and then gently tap with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later: “We now…
A Vat of Stout
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.” “Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,…
Air Force One
Air Force One crashed in the middle of a large farm property in rural America. “Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did.” The old gent…
Fridays In Hell
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon. Guy: “Gee, that sounds great!” Demon: “You a smoker?” Guy: “You better believe it.” Demon: “All…
Nasreddin Hodja’s Debt
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money. I am told he doesn’t even have food in his house!” “When he knows I am so poor, O Judge,” said Nasreddin Hodja,…
Detective Work
A policeman was interrogating Paddy, Murphy and Mick who were training to become detectives. Murphy giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the…
Wishful Thinking
Jonathan splurged out by buying a new eco-friendly shampoo without any harmful chemicals.
Airborne Training Day One
Harvey, a US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. He said, ‘Boy, if you don’t jump right now, I’m going to shove my fist up…
Don’t Talk To My Parrot
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about…